This weekend was refreshingly wholesome and simple. It gave me an opportunity to reflect on my summer of fun. When I set off for Santa Cruz, I had no idea that it would ignite my sexual prowess. Justin got my juices flowing with talk of romance and binding to our initial connection. Then Anthony, the only one who hit the spot, and made me remember my inner cougar. Rounding the trip with Brandon, who embraced his infatuation with me, only to discover he was a sham when I returned home.
When I returned to LA I intensified with Cougarlife, and the plethora of willing cubs. After exiting my ex’s life again, this time with permanence, I took refuge in my sport of men. I now get the conquest of numbers men typically gauge their worth by. Most of the men I’ve recently encountered were not my ‘type’ but judged solely on physical attributes and manliness. The same criteria I used on my ex-husband. I see the flaws in this, and no longer deny what I need.
I never looked at it from this angle, but there is a boost in ego when you manipulate the world around you, as dangerous as that may be. In this, I have come to realize that my parameters for my ex were vain, and we were destined for failure. Does that make the pill easier to swallow? A little. It sure has been fun exerting a dominant sexual role. I’m so used to catering to the man’s ego where I act submissive and docile. This summer, it was about ME and my desires, as distorted as they were.
Now, after exhausting my resources, and not having one cub I can rely on to satisfy me, I’m throwing in the towel. I do have one last cub that I’ve coddled because he wanted to get to know me. We have written each other since I joined Cougarlife, and now he has finally asked me out. I hope the 6’2” doctor, that does missionary work in Africa, was worth the wait. This is the only guy who acted like he wants more than a fling. Let’s see where this goes.
I even checked out Match.com to what was out there. After a couple of days the matches, they are horrible. It’s either middle-aged men who don’t meet my physical criteria or young studs who think the world revolves around them because they are inundated with desperate women. I have not replied to one person on Match.com. It is a sad place for finding romance. I still think Cougarlife is the best site for woman of any age, given that you are not looking for love.
This weekend was spent with family. I love being Mexican and having a HUGE family that knows how to have a good time. It was the first time I went to a family function since my divorce. It’s hard to explain my seperation to Mexicans because culturally there is so much loyalty in our blood. He didn’t beat me or cheat on me? Why would I leave him? That is where the practicality of my Japanese side comes in, full of pride and honor.
I’ve submerged myself in creating an inventory and setting up my new business. Between Craigslist, Monster, and Indeed, I find very few positions that will allow me to pursue my personal interests. So, instead of focusing on obtaining employment, I am jumping wholeheartedly in being self-employed. I’m fortunate that I have some time to take risks with my suplemental income.
For those of you who have come to enjoy my carnal pleasures, in lieu of my spiritual endeavors, I’m sorry to disappoint. I am changing the sails and setting off on a new course; one that will lead me to the woman I want to be, not the woman I attach myself to in order to deflect my lack of love. I just hope that this road allows me to write with humor and excitement, and look at my life with composure instead of the chaos I volleyed in the last few months.
I wish I didn’t toggle between extremes, but as you know maintaining balance is a constant struggle for me. I won’t give up!
Yesterday, while in Orange County, I had lunch at The Lab in Costa Mesa. In the restroom there is an interesting quote that I found helpful in my new direction.
“She’s got everything she needs. She is an artist, she don’t look back.” Bob Dylan
Gabbing Girl 